to my pre-quarantine self

dear march me,

the first thing to realize is that this will be far more complicated, far more emotionally draining than you ever imagined. it will be hard, and it will last so much longer than you imagined. your sophomore year spent on campus is over. your biggest performances for the spring will be cancelled. and at first, all this will somehow seem so small, so unimportant.

you will make a semblance of normal for yourself, spending countless hours outside, planning your garden, doing schoolwork, reading and writing more than you ever have. the healing you began to feel at the beginning of this month will be stunted. things will hurt you. things that will happen in the midst of a world that’s seemingly going insane. but your growth, your healing, will not be stopped. you will push forward, slow as it may be.

i know your hopes of living so passionately this spring are disappearing before your eyes. i know that much of the end of this month is going to be spent crying, worrying about the people you care about, spending too much time by yourself. and don’t think that it’ll stop. tears will still come, but the feeling, the emotion- it isn’t bad. it isn’t bad, and you can’t be ashamed of it.

reunions will come- small, simple reunions that will be so quiet and brief, but that will mean the world to you. you will see the one you love, even after everything, you’ll see your friends, your cousins, people you’ve spent almost your entire life with. it will be unlike anything you’ve ever had. and those small moments- already i can see them becoming something big.

you are longing to live- to live in the boundless passion that’s still inside of you. for the next two months, that desire, that need will only become more violent. but you will find small ways to build your life. and there are incredible moments to look forward to. this summer will be spent living- no matter how small and constrained things may feel.

know this. there are people that you’re worried about right now. things will never be simple or resolved with them. but they’re okay, and you’ll see them eventually. keep loving them. these people have also begun to realize the importance of freedom, of being impulsive sometimes and chasing the beauty you don’t realize you’ll miss until it’s gone. this connection you long for- i can see it coming.

things are scary. but if there’s one thing to learn about yourself, it is this- you are resilient. this isn’t the first time things have collapsed in front of your eyes and it won’t be the last. over and over, you’ve survived, and you’ve come back with the same passion, the same love, and a new knowledge of exactly what you’re capable.

so this is me, two months later, and things are hardly normal, but they are okay. this world will shock you over and over with it’s beauty, even now. you’ll find your moments, and the hope you have to build a life of your own? it’ll never leave.

live in beauty, as you always have. think of what’s coming after this. love your people until you can hold them again. know that you are ever changing, you are resilient, and you are so much more capable than you know.

all is never lost. and there is hope, even now.

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